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Do you constantly set yourself on fire to keep other people warm? If you find it hard to put your needs before the needs of everyone else in your life, then you may be struggling with codependency.
According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, codependency is “a psychological condition or a relationship in which a person manifesting low self-esteem and a strong desire for approval has an unhealthy attachment to another, often controlling or manipulative person.”
Whether you’re in a codependent relationship with a friend, a parent, or even a spouse, it’s important to recognize the patterns that led you to a place of self-abandonment and the prison of pleasing people.
Recognizing the root of codependency
Just as being self-centered can become unhealthy when taken to the extreme, so can being other-centered all the time. When you have difficulty making decisions without consulting someone else, it’s time to consider why you need their approval in the first place. Maybe you’re operating based on a fear of rejection or abandonment. Codependency may even stem from unhealthy patterns learned in childhood. Whatever the reason, it’s important to uncover the root of your behavior so that you can reclaim the life that God planned for you. The last thing you want is to leave one unhealthy relationship, only to find yourself carrying the same patterns into your next relationship.
Releasing the need to control the outcome
After acknowledging the cause of codependent behavior, the next step is to let go of the things outside of your control. Oftentimes, doing the most for the people in your life may be an attempt to control their approval of you, but the truth is, you have zero control over anyone except yourself. People can pick you up one day and put you down the next. You don’t want to hand over that level of power to anyone outside of you and God. Surrender your need to be the hero in everyone else’s story. When you stop trying to save the day, you’ll see that you were carrying things that were never meant for you to carry. What boundaries can you put in place to protect your time, your peace, and your sanity?
Redefining the relationships in your life
Before you can properly love anyone else, you must first learn how to love yourself. Take a step back from other people’s problems and begin to fall in love with your own life. You see, codependency causes you to lose sight of what God had in mind when He made you. And while you can strive to be a good daughter, friend, wife, or mother, you have to remember where the other person ends, and you begin. One way to practically draw the line is to start saying no. If you’ve spent your life bending over backward to meet the needs of everyone else, this will undoubtedly be an adjustment for you, but you can say what you need to say, even if your voice shakes in the process.
Imagine what it would be like to hear your own voice again. You are worthy of the peace that comes from knowing deep down that you are unconditionally loved. It will take practice to break the cycle of codependency, but the sense of self that you’ll gain in the process is more than worth it.
Here’s to living free!
Highlights from Today’s Episode
- Pursuing personal peace
- Pleasing God instead of people
- Putting relationships in proper perspective
Related Resources
- Ready to prioritize your peace? Listen to this podcast episode on Building Better Boundaries.
- Need help putting yourself first? Listen to this podcast episode and practice The Art of Saying No.
- Check out my conversation with Nona Jones on Overcoming Rejection.
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Other Stuff to Check Out
- Watch this video of me discussing The Power of Intuition.
- Pick up Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
- Be sure to also check out my book, 100 Days to Discovering the Gift of You
- Looking for a community where you can grow? Learn about joining my Inner Circle!
Let’s Talk!
- What weight are you carrying that never belonged to you?
- How can you make time for one hobby or interest that fulfills you?
- Where can you start saying no so that you can begin saying yes to yourself?
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