#068 – What I Want My White Friends to Know

#068 – What I Want My White Friends to Know

Given the events of last week, I felt it was important to share a conversation I had with a friend of mine about race.

Please know it is not the desire of my heart or mind to be polarizing. It is my hope that this conversation would be helpful, enlightening and even encouraging.


I pray that you would listen with a open mind and open soul and  I hope that it can serve as a gateway for open and honest conversation with those you love and care about.

Feel free to continue dialogue in the comments.


Let’s Talk!

 ==> Highlights for Today’s Episode:

  • I’m sharing my feelings, not the feelings of every black person or black woman out there.
  • Silence speaks volumes.
  • Look for ways to be engaged in relationship with someone in your circles of life.
  • I want to be a part of the bigger conversation that needs to happen over time.

Quick Links

 ==> Links for Today’s Show 

Be the Bridge (Latasha Morrison) 

Watch the “Unity Conversation” between LaTasha Morrison & Jennie Allen

Read This Post: What If I Really Loved My Boys  

Read This Post: Black Girl Perms.White Girl Perms. All God’s Chilean Got Perms.

==> Want more? 

  • Did you miss my last podcast on marriage with, Shundria Riddick LISTEN NOW!  You won’t regret it.
  • Want to receive my blog posts in your inbox? CLICK HERE


Connect with me…

How to Listen to The Podcast

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1. Listen right here on the blog. Click the little play button at the beginning of this post.

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3. Share today’s show – I could use your help with getting the word out there about my new podcast.  Would you take a minute to share today’s post?  Email the link to a friend or share on social media. Just click on the sharing buttons at the bottom of this post. Thanks!

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By |2016-12-05T17:54:05+00:00July 11th, 2016|Faith, Podcast|34 Comments
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  1. Andrea July 11, 2016 at 12:52 pm - Reply

    I have a few honest questions. Let me start by saying I white, I have a son whose white and African American and my husband is Mexican and Asian(our other son is Mexican, Asian and white). I am really trying to understand because quite frankly I just don’t. I listened to your podcast and on thing you said was let’s not be one sided. How do we know that the Philandro Castille was racially motivated and/or excessive? I’m not saying it wasn’t but I’m asking how do we know? Are we assuming without knowing all the facts? Also, why do some people get offended when people say all lives matter? Is that not true? Isn’t only saying black lives matter an exclusive statement rather than inclusive creating unity? I guess I don’t understand why we can’t just call wrong wrong, and injustice injustice all the way around? Why does it have to be about race? Again, these are honest questions from an honest woman trying to understand

    • Chrystal Hurst July 11, 2016 at 1:13 pm - Reply

      Hey Andrea!

      There are a lot of things that we don’t know, you are right. However, the incidents from the last week are only highlighting what is a reality for many people of color on an ongoing basis. Civilians and officers daily make assumptions because of color and unfortunately some people act based on that them. The reason why there is such a jumping to conclusions is because we have seen over and over that police offers can have no basis for killing do so… and then walk away.

      I agree with you that #alllivesmatter but the the reason why some focus on the “black part” of #blacklivesmatter” is to draw attention to the fact there is a particular problem that part of one community of our humanity experiences disproportionately than others.

      People respond out of their experience and while I have personally have no problem saying that #alllivesmatter someone who has had a brother, nephew, cousin, or friend killed is going to feel a little stronger about the other. They have lived through it and feel the tension of racism personally along with it’s outcome.

      We do need to call wrong wrong.

      I think the important thing though is to understand that there are different perspectives and experiences the surround what we see in the news and sometimes those who want justice are insensitive in their judgements while someone else is dealing with the grief of pain and loss.

      The man who killed the police offers in Dallas was wrong, regardless of how he felt personally about unfair treatments of blacks. The jury is still out on details we may not know about events last week but part of the reason there is so much rage and fury is that many times it IS about race.

      We can’t paint a brush that all blacks are violent, that all police are innocent, that it’s never about race, or that it always is.

      I do know that many people of color are particularly anxious to have their white brothers and sisters in Christ acknowledge that while there is not always a racial tension in play… sometimes there is… and have sympathetic responses because that is what we are called to do as believers. There aren’t ALWAYS systemic issues at fault but many times there are. It is not ALWAYS the policeman’s fault but sometimes it is. It is not ALWAYS the black man’s fault but sometimes it is.

      And while we sort through facts, fight to make progress, and ask honest and open questions, I believe we can learn how to also do all of that in a sympathetic, sensitive way, giving ourselves and others room to “not know all the facts” but feel passionately and deeply about those things that affect us.

      I appreciate your honest questions.

      • Melanie July 12, 2016 at 12:13 am - Reply

        Outstanding explanation for Andrea and outstanding podcast! Thanks so much. You have a great gift for communicating. It must run in the Evans family.

  2. Yolanda July 11, 2016 at 1:09 pm - Reply

    Thank you so much for this. I am white latina and I am also a believer. I just want to do the right thing and lift my friends up. I have been avoiding Facebook because of all the different messages. I appreciate your openness and honesty.

    • Chrystal Hurst July 11, 2016 at 1:24 pm - Reply

      Thanks for listening in 😉

  3. Andrea July 11, 2016 at 1:40 pm - Reply

    Thanks so much for your response. This makes total sense and I appreciate being able to ask without feeling attacked. I will prayerfully seek how I can be the change I hope to see 🙂

    • Chrystal Hurst July 11, 2016 at 1:45 pm - Reply

      No problem Andrea. I’m so glad you asked.

      I thought of one other thing. I think that we all can listen better and listen without judgement… just be willing to hear each other’s hearts, anger, frustration, hurt, and confusion, without casting stones.

      I’m glad we can talk 🙂

  4. Clair July 11, 2016 at 2:09 pm - Reply

    Thank-you Chrystal for being brave enough to share this conversation. I’m a white South African and as you probably know we have experienced plenty of racial tension over here.
    What hit me in your podcast was that you have to teach your sons how to behave around (white?) traffic officers. I feel embarrassed of my white skin and I cry with you as it hits home how this affects mothers and their children. I have so much to learn, and yet I find it hard to discuss these issues with black friends and colleagues. How can I get past this?

  5. Hazel Wilson July 11, 2016 at 3:40 pm - Reply

    Oh my goodness, I’m just listening to the podcast from today. I have 2 boys – one 19 and one 13. The statement you made about your son being pulled over, and how despite what you have told him about what to do when he gets pulled over, that when it happens he’s going to do the right thing and go in his pocket to get his license and go in the glove compartment to get the car’s registration and all the while he’s thinking “my mom is going to kill me” and everything that you told him to do he just doesn’t do because he’s in that moment. I believe and know that this is the black community conversation. These are the conversations we are having with our children. I believe we raise our children to be respectful and to respect authority. My children see it being model before them by me and my husband and even by their uncles and aunts. I heard a the former Mayor of New York say that a black fathers should tell their sons to be respectful towards the police officer — like they’re not teaching and modeling that before them already. I believe that this is the misconception that’s out there — that these young black men are being disrespectful or belligerent towards these officers and that’s why the officers are responding the way they’re responding. But what we are seeing now is that just isn’t the case. The gentleman in Minnesota did the right thing. He told the officer up front that he had a concealed weapon and permit to carry. He supplied this information because it was the right thing to do — despite the fact that the officer didn’t even ask him or her if there was anything in the car that he (the officer) needed to be made aware of. He did the right thing and he got shot. And where were the paramedics, where was the emergency call for an ambulance — that was not even heard in the video. So this man is just left there bleeding out. That’s what is so alarming to me — him bleeding out and no emergency calls where heard being made. I gotta stop typing because I’m about to cry at work. I just want to scream. When the statement is made that “black lives matter”, we are not saying ONLY black lives matter. What we are saying is I AM HUMAN despite the fact that I am black – I’m not 1/5 human – I AM HUMAN. You see more of an outcry for animals being mistreated than you do for black people. Case in point — the gorilla that was put down at the zoo after the child fell into the area it was housed — people actually protested that animal being put down — but there were no protests against the zoo for not having better guard rails or better enclosures to protect against someone possibly falling in. Seriously!!!

  6. Dianne July 11, 2016 at 4:53 pm - Reply

    I dont’ follow your blog often but when I do, I can honestly say that I feel your genuine concern and empathy for those who are hurting. Everyone is affected in someway or another given the rise in racial tension in this nattion today. The question which plagues my mind amidst the horror and competitveness is “God is it worth this and why has this stituation reached this far? I hope and pray that we will all experience the power of peace and love within ourselves first instead of hate, especially when we don’t understand, a willingness to be still and ask the Lord to guide us into all truth and the humility to ask that God’s will be done and his purpose be fulfilled even if contrary to our expectation and finally how we can each help to be a solution rather than exacerbate the problem. That’s my heart’s desire…P.S I enjoyed reading your blog “thiniking about joy”. It was actually quite a tickle 🙂 Take care and blessings

  7. Scott Rodriguez July 11, 2016 at 7:29 pm - Reply

    I’ll save my commentary for other means, for I have much to say and, like you, I’m as vigilant as I can be about what to say openly. For now, I’ll just say, “Thank you for addressing these things, and for being part of ‘the fellowship of the unashamed.’ “

  8. Erica Mickels July 11, 2016 at 10:41 pm - Reply

    Thanks for the conversation with you and Ashley. Thanks for being so honest, open and transparent. For me it’s just nice to hear other African American women saying and thinking some of the same things I am.

  9. Christie Graves July 12, 2016 at 8:34 am - Reply

    Good Morning Chrystal!
    I want to thank you so much for this podcast. It really helped me a lot. I am a white woman and I live in Baton Rouge, so a lot of the media attention and controversy of last week I have been right in the middle of. Tensions are high, opinions run rampant and a lot of really ugly things are being said on both sides. I know that is to be expected when people have anger and grief due to any event. And I also know that a lot of this is because not everyone is a believer. Not everyone is taught, whether black or white, how to handle anger and grief in a godly way. But with that aside, I have a lot of black ladies that I consider to be my friends for life. I would do anything for these ladies. I care for them deeply, pray for them when they need prayer, offer help of any kind when they need it just as I do with my white friends. And they do the same for me. Our races do not matter to each other in the least. I guess, speaking from a white woman’s perspective that the reason sometimes it’s hard to talk to our black friends about these things is simply because we are white. We don’t feel like we have the right to have an opinion and if we do we are afraid that we will say the wrong thing or that what we say could be hurtful without intentionally meaning to. Because as white people we don’t know the answers. We want to but we don’t know how we can help sometimes and if our help and concern is even desired. It’s just hard to know what the right things to say or do are. I have been in contact with my black friends and one thing that we all agree on is that we have to pray for one another and pray together. This alone can make such a huge difference. Not only because we know as believers that God and only God can truly break through these racial barriers but because we have a responsibility as believers to show others that this is the way white and black people should interact with each other. It’s my prayer that when others see us standing together in prayer and loving one another they way God intended, it will show others that it’s possible to love one another. Again, thank you so much for this podcast, it really helps a lot.

    • Chrystal Hurst July 12, 2016 at 12:23 pm - Reply

      Thanks so much for your thoughts Christie!

      You said… “Not everyone is taught, whether black or white, how to handle anger and grief in a godly way.”

      So true.

      You also said… “We want to but we don’t know how we can help sometimes and if our help and concern is even desired. It’s just hard to know what the right things to say or do are.”

      I hear you and understand what you are saying. I’ve heard that before. I would encourage you within the context of the relationships you have to ask questions and have discussions. If you truly have a community of believing friends… the conversations may not be easy but they will be so worth it. I’m sure your friends will be glad to know that you care. We have to give each other the freedom to “say the wrong thing” unintentionally and if our hearts are inclined toward reconciliation and peace. We also have to give each other the room not to agree. I’m praying that you will find that in the community you have and beyond.

      Thank you for listening and for your thoughts. You are always welcome to discuss here or ask questions here as well.

  10. Patsy Bowen July 12, 2016 at 10:41 am - Reply

    Why can’t we all just be PEOPLE, instead of “whatever ethnicity” people?!? We are all one blood in Jesus Christ! Sin, or crime, is no more so or less so because of one’s ethnicity. Neither are we more or less saved by His blood because of ethnicity. God wouldn’t care more or less if we were green with purple stripes!! Jesus instructed us to love God first, then to love each other. Father God, forgive us and help us!

    • Chrystal Hurst July 12, 2016 at 12:08 pm - Reply

      We are all people. The problem is that we live in a world with culture and systems that unfortunately do not treat us as if we are all people with equal access to the love we know God wants all to give. Unfortunately this is not just true in culture and systems, it has also been true in the church.

      I am a believer that the thoughts you express are indeed the way things should be. I also believe that those who love God should be the first to show the world what it looks like for all to treated as those who have been created in the image of God.

      Also, while God doesn’t care about our color in terms of rating or level of of His care. I do think that God cares about variety and that he was creative in His creation of us 🙂

      I think that ought to be celebrated, recognized, and then explored as we come to know and appreciate what makes us both different and the same. The differences that we celebrate is what makes the body of Christ beautiful.

      Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts Patsy!

  11. Patricia July 12, 2016 at 12:20 pm - Reply

    Hi Chrystal, wow it’s about time this subject is being shouted out at “Christians” in the church. Like many other Hispanic/Latinas women I have had to live with racism from birth to now. Unfortunately I don’t ever see it going away. But what saddens me is that it is prevalent in the “church”. Outside of the church that is to be expected, but where I am supposed to feel safe and at home racism exists. I am angry and sad and hurt like so many others about what is going on in this world, but again, it’s always been.
    As a very little girl I can still remember the other kids not wanting to play with me because I was considered a “little Mexican”. I remember that day as clear day and it never has left my memory. Am I bitter, sure I am, but with God’s grace and forgiveness for me I have to look forward. I could go on and on and on and on, but what good would that do me. So I take it to my knees and pour it out to God and then He gives me perspective. I used to wish that I could be seen by the “white Christian sisters” in the church, but I no longer care about wishing that.
    Thank you for bringing this subject to life. God bless you.

    • Chrystal Hurst July 12, 2016 at 12:24 pm - Reply

      Thank you for listening and thank you for sharing your thoughts.

      I pray that you are able to experience healing, especially through healing relationships with other races that you find in the body of Christ.

      He is able.

  12. Julie W July 12, 2016 at 12:29 pm - Reply

    Thank you so very much for opening yourself up and having this conversation. It is incredibly helpful for me to hear both of your thoughts and feelings on this difficult subject. I have been feeling convicted for awhile now that I am a white woman who lives in a mostly white suburban neighborhood, who goes to a mostly all-white church and how in the world can I even start to understand if I don’t have conversations with African Americans? God is calling me to enlarge my boundaries and be intentional about it. Chrystal, what you said about having to have a different conversation with your son about race than I will ever have to have with my kids really struck a chord. It’s sad to admit this, but I honestly hadn’t even thought about the fact that when you see this on TV you are immediately thinking of your own kids and fearing for them. That makes complete sense to me. Thank you so much again for your vulnerability.

    • Chrystal Hurst July 12, 2016 at 12:47 pm - Reply

      Thank you for listening!

      And… I hope that you heard my heart. The point of anything said in the podcast is not to make anyone feel bad for the life they live or the experiences they have. You said it correctly. “God is calling me to enlarge my boundaries and be intentional about it.”

      I believe He is asking me to do the same.

      Conversation is the one way we do that and I appreciate you for chiming in.


  13. Calvonia Radford July 12, 2016 at 2:42 pm - Reply

    Chrystal, this was a very needed podcast. I like you have friends from many ethnicities, colors and creeds. I’ve learned alot lately from those friends, their firends etc. via facebook. Some information I would rather not have know. Thanks for the tool to share with those who love enough to care. Be blessed!

  14. Scott Rodriguez July 13, 2016 at 7:04 am - Reply

    …and thank you for the links. I just connected to the one with Jennie Allen and Tasha Morrison. You know, the last time I felt like struck a gold this big was when I read John chapter 17 for the first time…(where Jesus petitions the Father five times that His people be one). Like a lot of people, I wouldn’t know where to start trying to help improve without possibly making things worse. These published conversations are quite literally the first I’ve seen so far that have helped me get my bearings straight…in that you all have lifted up the banner of Jesus Christ over this “impasse,” marking yet another impossible scenario as one of God’s many possibilities. Thank you.

    “Lord, we’re grateful today that You have counted us in…on Your complete plan…within Your hedge of safety…for Your glory. In Your Name Jesus. Amen…”

  15. Lois July 13, 2016 at 8:12 am - Reply

    Thank you for this podcast. Being a white woman married to a black man with two beautiful biracial kids. I don’t always understand what they feel. I had to come to grips with the fact that society see my biracial kids as black not biracial. And I see first hand my husband having the conversation with our kids. I am thankful to be able to see and hear the conversation. So I see the police brutality against blacks and I am like that could be my son or my daughter. I have learned I have to listen to them to learn. plus m.. Hubby was in the first blacks that integrated into a white school back in the 60s so I don’t know how he feels but I have learned a lot from him.And the gift God has given him to talk to all cultures is amazin.. And because of God, he gets mad, but he uses it to educate all peopl..And I have learned not back away from having the conversation with my extended family about racism. It has brought our family closer to each other and Jesus. I have been more intentional to pray for all sides. Thank you for this podcast. May the Lord bless yo..

  16. Nicole July 14, 2016 at 10:06 am - Reply

    Thank you for this post! I am a white woman who thinks all people would benefit from hearing your conversation. It was obviously guided by the Holy Spirit and received with love and enlightenment. God bless you sis!

  17. Tafadzwa July 16, 2016 at 1:23 pm - Reply

    Chrystal, your transparency, sincerity, honesty and insight makes you such an IMPORTANT voice. I love what you are about and thank you for calling on your courage to tackle difficult conversions that most people would not dare touch. I love your podcasts. Keep on speaking because we are listening intently!!

  18. Lindsay July 17, 2016 at 4:11 pm - Reply

    Hi Chrystal,
    I listened to your podcast from last week on my run this morning, and found the conversation enlightening and encouraging. Do we all know for certain beyond a shadow of a doubt who is at fault in the recent killings of African American males? No (although by what we see and hear so far, they do appear to be absolutely unjust murders). What we all do know for sure is that racism still exists in America. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see the racial disparities in education, healthcare, and socioeconomic status. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that at least some of the racism and stereotypes of African Americans in the U.S. are based on lower socioeconomic status (which is largely related to decreased education and healthcare support for young African Americans in our country). I have no idea what the answers are to this complex problem, but I appreciated you encouragement to widen our nets association and seek out friends of different races (namely African Americans) from our own to hear their stories and offer kindness, discussion, and prayerful support. I am what many would describe as “white,” and I’m thrilled to know and count as friends many African Americans.

    • Chrystal Hurst July 25, 2016 at 6:52 am - Reply

      Yes. Racism does still exist but I’m encouraged to know that we can fight it as we build one relationship at a time. Thanks so much for listening Lindsay!

  19. Mary July 21, 2016 at 3:05 pm - Reply

    I really appreciated this Chrystal and Ashley. Learned a lot. I shared it as part of this post: http://www.marydeandraws.com/2016/07/conversations-with-my-kids-about-race.html

    • Chrystal Hurst July 25, 2016 at 6:27 am - Reply

      Thank you for sharing!

  20. Andrea July 26, 2016 at 2:56 pm - Reply

    Thank you so much for sharing, Crystal! Your honesty is greatly appreciated! I just have a quick question which I wondered if you might be willing to give some insight into. Concerning white families adopting orphaned children from other countries. In the “white” mindset, for lack of a better term, it is generally considered a noble and caring thing to do, but I would really like to know, from your perspective, how this is perceived among African Americans.
    Thank you again for your voice on this issue. Be blessed!

  21. Nicole October 24, 2016 at 11:47 am - Reply

    This was such a great podcast. I’m looking for a follow-up called What I Want My White Coworkers To Know. 😉

  22. […] #068 – What I Want My White Friends to Know […]

  23. Katharine January 5, 2017 at 9:12 am - Reply

    Long overdue dialogue. Thank you.

  24. […] Want to hear the last conversation Ashley and I had? Click here to listen.  […]

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