Recently, Jessie (Mr. Hurst) and I had an opportunity to have a couple of days together alone, sans kids, and therefore had a little more time than normal to look each other in the eye, remember that we actually do like each other, and have a chat about a thing or two. My husband is a man of few words and deep thought. I talk all the time… about pretty much A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G so you can imagine what our little “chat” actually looked like!
Never the less, during our time together, there were a few things that I realized I’ve learned from Jessie over the years. I also realized there was a list forming in my head of things that he’s taught me that might be helpful to share with you! Some lessons he has taught me directly in the context of an argument deeply meaningful conversation. Other lessons I have received indirectly simply through the process of being married and learning how to relate to my husband over time. So, either way, the following list of things has been Jessie taught and Jessie approved.
Caveat: These are lessons I’ve learned from MY husband. Feel free to ignore any of the following if they don’t apply to YOUR man or YOUR marriage!
~ A man needs time to think ~
Because of the design of my personality in addition to the nature of my job (wife and a mom) and notwithstanding the inborn trait of womanhood — I think fast. I am forced to multitask so that my world and my day run smoothly. I get lots of practice making decisions on the fly, arranging and re-arranging the schedules of people under my roof, and keeping running lists in my head. I have developed the talent of seeing how one change in plans will connect to and impact the rest of the members in my household. And I, like many home managers, have learned to wear about 25 different hats just to make it through one day.
So when I intersect with my husband to give him the “run-down” in whatever area of home life I may need to either inform him or get his input, I’ve had to learn that my husband needs time to think. And if I expect him to move at my speed or at my pace, I will be sorely frustrated and disappointed.
The reality is that I want my husband to have time to think. Many times, his thoughtful and well-processed responses add a dimension to my decision making that I had not considered or thought out as well as I thought I had. Many times, he has a global view to the state of things that I miss because I am busy running around trees all day. Much of the time, when I think I have come up with the perfect solution to a problem, I find out that his solution is much better than mine. I’ve learned to appreciate that a man needs time to think — and that, with a little patience, that thinking can help me be even more effective in the role I have to play.
~ Tone is everything. ~
I like to talk. I have I made that clear already? I hope so. Because I do. And most of the time sometimes, I am more interested in saying what I have to say than in making sure that what I say can actually be heard. If the tone of my voice, inflections in my speech , or attitude accompanying my words communicate the wrong thing, I may as well be screaming like a banchee. It will all sound the same to him.
We’ve heard over and over again as women that men have an innate desire to sense honor and respect, especially within the boundaries of marriage. I won’t rehearse any of that here as I’m sure that you are as sick as I am of hearing that time and time again. However, that doesn’t take away from the fact that it’s true. Your words travel farther if they are laced with grace and humility. The crux of your communication will make their mark if they are aimed properly and released with regard to the design of a man ears and the bent of his heart.
If the words that I speak travel from my mouth and carry pride, arrogance, superiority, conceit, or ego, Jessie simply can’t hear me. I doubt anyone would be able to honestly. But I will especially notice Mr. Hurst shutting down, glazing over, and/or going mentally underground.
If I want Mr. Hurst to hear me, then the tone of my voice (both in volume and temperament) should be aimed at communicating that I value who he is and the position he holds in my life. Even if what I have to say is hard, difficult, or even a little objectionable, I’ve learned that it is still possible to deliver the message in a tone that communicates love. Honestly, I’m still learning that lesson and probably will be for the rest of my life.
“…speak the truth in love…” ~ Ephesians 4:15 ~
And at the end of the day, God will not ask me if I was right. He will not ask me if Jessie was wrong. He will not ask me if I was a good decision maker or if I was well-qualified to run things on my own. He will not care about how well I could make my point or how many other people agree with me.
But He will ask me if I showed His love.
And the way I choose to speak to my husband is one BIG way that I can do that.
“Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another.” ~ John 13:34 ~
I originally intended to list five lessons that Mr. Hurst has taught me. Because putting the first two into black and white has been so personally convicting and therefore draining, I will save the other three for later this week. See ya soon!
CLICK HERE for Part II of Lessons on Marriage and Men
Also… be sure and tune in tomorrow for more details on our upcoming One Month Journey. It’s gonna be great to experience #KingdomWoman together!
Amazing how God reinterates what He wants you to get. Thank you I have working on these very two for A LONNNNNNNNNG Time. It is getting better on my end lol So thanks again for the confirmation.
Such good truth and well said..will look forward to next post. As a woman married for many years, I find I need to be reminded again..thanks for that. I seem to default back to “my” ways unless I am conscious of my behavior and attitude. Blessings sister, from Gramma Gayle
Spot on! Today makes my 32 yr anniversary and if I would have known this in the beginning it would have been pure bliss. But as we get older & tired God steps in at the right time and we get it. Thank you for your blog. Pure blessing . Sister in Christ~Irene from Houston
Yes… that is so funny that you say the word “tired”. It’s not until we are willing to give up doing things OUR way that we see God’s way is actually the BEST way!
Girl. Just stop. I can’t read any more lol! I have long been thinking of how my words are tools for encouragement and exhortation, and how they’ve also been a source of consternation when I can’t get my tongue under control. Help, Lord!
Tone is everything. It took me a long time to realize in my marriage that if I inserted should in my conversation with my husband there was an immediate shut down. I’m still learning, but I’ve especially learned to listen when he speaks and understand even when he’s silent how my words/tone have been damaging. Thanks for the confirmation and encouragement.
Thank you! Thank you for the gentle convictions AND for the smiles your thoughts bring throughout. I especially love your transparent edits. We too do not refer to certain discussions as arguments. We call them “intense fellowship.” 😀 So thank you – to you and to your dear hubby! May God encourage you as richly as you encourage us through these blogs. And may He fill you to overflowing with His refreshing! With a smile and a hug – oh and a tall Starbucks for you in hand 😉 Deb (Rochester, NY)
Regarding transparent edits… I figure that if I typed it, I meant it, so I should leave it and be honest with what really happened, even if I correct it! LOL!
OMG! Mr. Hurst is on it! My husband has shared those same things with me! When I’m cutting up and carrying on I think I’m making a point! I’m just as proud as a peacock! Checkmate! In reality, he has not heard a word I said! Because of tone and being matter of fact and I’m right and you’re going to sit there in you’re wrongness and listen to my rightness! And the thinking thing…. Ummmm yeah….. When I present an idea or ask a question, I need an answer now! My mind has moved on to the next thing, while poor Brian is still processing my first few words! Then he’ll ask me 21 questions! I’m like were you not listening the first time! Drives me nuts! I’m glad to know that men are just wired that way and its just not my household! Can’t wait for lessons 3-5!
Ummmm… Can you say, convicted?!! Thanks for the reminder that God designed us to compliment each other in various ways and we need to ‘learn our husband’ in addition to ourselves so we know how to interact in a manner that is pleasing and honoring to God, first, and then our mate. Can’t wait to hear the rest as I’ve only got four years under my belt and still eager to learn how to be the best I can be in this season. 🙂
I have to first say I love the candor expressed here. It is a lesson not easily learned. Approaching 29th anniversary. It has taken me a long time to learn these valuable lessons. Tone is so very important. Sometimes in the midst of our busyness we forget to slow it up and do a self check. God has given us (women) a wonderful gift in the ability to multi-task. Thanks so much for sharing! I look forward to the next piece. Also currently enjoying Kingdom Woman!
Thanks Crystal for providing this lesson 🙂 As a single woman I can apply this in my everyday life, but its definitely a golden nugget that will help me when I do get married.
Yes! Even as a single woman, this concept applies to dealing with MEN! I use some of the same principles in the workplace.
Good stuff!
This really spoke to my heart. Thank you I needed this conviction!!
This truly spoke to me, Chrystal! My husband is also a man of few words, and I am very guilty of expecting much more and my tone, words and body language reflect it! Truly a work in progress after almost 12 years of marriage. Thanks for these words, friend!
Guilty all the time! We are tracking neck and neck girl!
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I know this is an old post, but wow.. This one and the 2nd lessons on Marriage is awesome. It’s like I kinda knew these things, but never really saw it like this… Our husbands are their own person and we should love and respect that. and thank God that they aren’t exactly like us. ha!! thank you for this!!!